LUC Interviews: “I spat on the poster.”

Many heard about the incident of the “spit on the poster,” but few as soon as LUC News, which after receiving an anonymous tip last night, was the first to arrive at the crime scene, before the spit had even dried. With a bit of help from Facebook and some professional Facebook sleuths/stalkers, the culprit was tracked down. But rather than reveal the person and leave him/her to be decapitated by a crowd of students, LUC News decided to offer an exclusive interview to the perpetrator, where he/she would lay his/her cards out in the open and speak honestly about his/her deeds. Here is the interview:

We met at an undisclosed location, and headed to his room for the interview. His door creaked open ominously and he said “Please come in.” It was very dark, he had only one white light on inside his bathroom, the light coming in from under the closed door. He had prepared some food but I kindly denied his offer. This wasn’t McDonalds, but he didn't have the cleanest salivary record.

He offered me a red seat, as he sank into a bright orange chair. He took a sip of coke, gargled it provocatively and fell right into his narrative:

“I spat on the poster. But listen, I’m not a bad person. I spat on the poster because I wanted to spark a debate on facebook, NOT because I wanted to say anything by it.”

He swallowed, nodded to himself and leaned forward.

“I’m not Islamophobic, I’m not even ‘Islamophobic,’ I just want to have fun on Facebook.”

With his initial statements out of the way he seemed to gain some confidence and pried on.

“To be honest, if I really wanted to make my opinion heard, I’d probably do something more than just spit. I’d probably write something, like the dude who wrote threats in the stairwell. No—see—I’m more like the watermelon guy, I just want some attention and some facebook coverage. I want to spark a debate. The Watermelon guy didn't want to hurt anyone, he just wasn't the brightest—”

He noticed the implication and was visibly nonplussed, but after a few seconds leaned back, and decided to continue.

“I thought everything was going to be fine, a tasty debate started raging on confession bear... but then people started insulting me. ‘Scum of the Earth!’ ‘Asshole!’ ‘Idiot!’ I mean you don’t fight fire with fire. Everyone spits, I just aim mine differently. I feel demonized. I am not John, or Maarike, or Alfred, or Courtney—now I’m ‘That person who spit on the poster.’

With that ‘That person who spit on the poster’ shuddered before continuing.

“To be honest… seeing this response... if I was Islamophobic—which I clearly am not—I would never open up to anyone about it, I'd just resort to hiding in my own head, the ideas festering in their own juices. I’d never opening up to the possibility of a different perspective, I'd never put them up for debate, it would be like a spiral of silence (Noelle-Neumann 1997 in Zicha, 2016) except I am looking for a place to vent. You’d think that LUC is really open to debate, but I guess in that openness its just closed itself up. They do say that extremes meet.“

We sat in silence for a few minutes, and I gazed around his room trying to make out what was on his posters. Eventually he stood up and pointed at the door. “Thanks for coming along.” he said.

He led me to the door, and after saying our goodbyes he whispered in my ear, “I am not an Islamophobe.” He turned and walked back into the dark recess of his room. Confused, perplexed, I walked back to LUC News’ offices. As soon as I was back in my office I realized, and punched myself in the shoulder; I had again forgotten to ask any questions.

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