How to Write an Essay: LUC Style

11:00 am on the day of the deadline

Time to write this essay. Essay time. Essay, essay, ess-ay, esss-sayy. It’s a strange word, isn’t it? Esss-ay. Essay Two esses… It's a bit like coffee. Do you ever stop to wonder about how weird the two effs and the two ees are? Esssssay.

I say, it’s time for an es-say.

Oh god, did I really just make that joke? It's more like a pun isn't it? Not really. This essay is driving me crazy and I haven’t even opened Word.

RIGHT, CONCENTRATE!

*File > New > Blank Document > Create*

This is a great start! If I save it as FinalEssay.docx, it already sounds pretty official.

*Name, Assignment Title, Course Title, Teacher’s Name, Extended Deadline: No (as of now…), Word Count: ???, Date*

23 words in a minute! At this rate this 3000 word essay can be finished in only 2.174 hours! I will be able to meet up with friends after all. And even catch up on series beforehand! What am I going to watch? Maybe I should google which ones I am behind on…

OH! I love this series! If I’m going to have time to watch it later, why shouldn’t I just watch it now? I still have plenty of time to write all of this anyway.

Two hours later

Watching two episodes probably wasn’t the best idea. But it’s fine. It will be fine. I will be fine.

Okay, let me check what I am meant to write about. Blackboard is always so confusing! Ah, here we go.

*Information > Syllabus.*

Oh god.

I have no idea how to do this. Maybe I should have looked at the instructions while I could still ask the teacher to explain. But never mind, Plan B: Who is in my class and looks like they either asked the teacher about this or understood it in the first place?

*“Hey! How are you? (asking straight out would be rude) I was just wondering how you are approaching the essay. I already started but just wanted to double check that what I’m doing is correct! Thanks in advance! (I have thanked them so they can’t refuse to help me now.)”*

Great, this doesn’t sound too hard after all. If I just start writing now. It will still be completely fine.

Oh, it’s lunchtime! I should eat something. This is the perfect time to finally start cooking properly, I’ve been meaning to do it all block.

One hour later

Maybe I should just write my ideas down. They did constantly mention ‘shitty first drafts’ in Academic Writing. I can try that.

A few minutes later

Hmmm I know what I am writing is true… yes! Wikipedia agrees. But it didn’t cite it. Time to find an academic reference which agrees with what I am saying.

This book sounds like it contains the information I need.

* “Access restricted”*

Is the teacher really going to check my references? Nahh. page 16 sounds about right. Or better yet: 51. Now it looks like I actually read this book!

491 words! I am amazing!

What else is there to say though? This topic is far too specific to write 3000 words about. I don’t understand why teachers keep doing this.

Adding “however”/”therefore”/ “hence”/”thus”/”moreover”/”furthermore”/”nonetheless” is always a great way to increase the word count. Oh! And “to” can be “in order to”.

Annddd I just added 9 words!

Only 2500 to go. It will be fine. I will be fine.

Several hours later

I have no clue what I’m doing.

Maybe I can hide this by using academic words. “Albeit” is always great. Oh and “haphazard” sounds very fancy. I have no idea what it means though.

“Lacking any obvious principle of organization.” Just like this essay! Isn’t that great? I’m sure I can fit it in somehow.

Several hours later

+/- 10% means 2700 words are fine. I’m definitely going to count the title page. Is the teacher really going to check the word count? Will they notice if I alter the number slightly? Probably not, right? The word count they get on Blackboard isn’t accurate because of the bibliography anyway. Which I still need to add.

What was this random book I googled called again? Why do I never learn?

23:58

Annnnnnd DONE! Just in time for the deadline! Beautiful. I hope there are no spelling mistakes. Probably best not to read it. Ignorance is bliss.

*Blackboard > Course > Assignments > Upload*

Flipping through the essay, it looks fine...

I don’t know why they constantly tell us to start early. There is absolutely no need for that.

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