The scientific community has reached a consensus: everything, yes, everything is indeed soil.
After contemplating for approximately two hours and ten extra minutes, the scientific community* has announced that everything is soil. While the LUC Class of 2021 was originally baffled, the consensus has been reached that there is no debate: everything is soil.
“Look to your left,” announced the Community*. “Look to your right. Both of these things are just an illusion. There is nothing but soil taking forms of the things we wish it to be.” The two hour announcement this morning in our very own auditorium let to some probing questions: Is soil a social construct? Why do we even bother with dirt? Why, in fact, do sand be like that sometimes?
Nonetheless, it is time to celebrate as now we know for sure: your loved ones, your laptop, your sustainably recycled Gala dress, and even your memes are soil. Your hopes and dreams are soil. This very article is soil. Your unemployable future is soil. It’s all soil now.
Do you love dirt? Comment below to show us just how much, and remember: from soil we were made and to soil we will return!
*one man repeating it for two hours.