NATO/FBI-SWAT raid AkBar for alleged terrorist ties

At 15:35 CET a Joint NATO/ FBI-SWAT team raided AkBar for possible connections to Al-Qaeda. Sources say that National Security forces received an anonymous tip that the name “AkBar” sounds “a lot like the bad guys in American Sniper.”

Hence, special Investigator Jake Mitchelson did some digging into the finances of AkBar. He observed: "they make monthly payments to another organization called Hein-e-ken, most likely another terrorist affiliated organization which has been put on a government watch list.” Mitchelson continued by claiming that: “our research shows that Akbar means ‘great’, which might be code for ‘it would great if America was destroyed.’"

A second year student told LUC News: "I always suspected something was not right with the bar; they have a misogynistic name and we, as global citizens, were appalled by the culture appropriation that the board decided to use. Shame on them." The student promptly went back to work on his ‘What is Culture’ essay.

Sources within LUC have explained that AkBar’s demise was inevitable. After low client numbers in recent weeks, the bar had gotten desperate for cash, which made them prone to accept help from radical terrorist organizations. It is therefore unsurprising that, when approached by the infamous Hein-e-ken, AkBar fell for the trap.

When asked to give a statement, the previous AkBar chair exclaimed: "Hey, don’t blame me, blame the first board!”

All members of the AkBar management have been taken into custody and the University has sealed the bar until further notice. While the punishment for the board has not yet been decided, planning and aiding terrorists allegedly results in the forceful re-taking of the DAI citation exam for 3 straight weeks. More to follow soon.

LUC News Middle East, D. Al-Haadi Middle East Correspondent reporting.

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